Married boyfriend's habits are causing serious doubts

Dear Diane: I am the mother of three children, and I have beenseparated from my husband for four years. About two years ago I meta married man at a wedding reception. He is 62 now, and I am 36. Wedidn't plan it, but we fell in love.

The problem is that I don't feel he is being totally honest.For the last two years, we have been going out every Saturday night.He picks me up at 10:30 p.m., and we stay out until 3 a.m. If hecomes over during the week, he leaves between 12:30 and 1:30 a.m. Thepattern is so consistent that a child could see through it.

He says he leaves because of his 12-year-old daughter. Hedoesn't want her to wake up and find out he has been out all night.He even says he would leave his wife if it weren't for his daughter.He also claims he and his wife sleep in separate bedrooms and sayshe's afraid to leave his wife because of the difference in our ages.He thinks I will tire of him and leave him. I don't buy that sincehe is willing to see me now.

Why does he leave at such ungodly hours? Could he still be inlove with his wife? Is he really afraid of starting over? I know Ican't go on in a relationship like this.

LONELY, CONFUSED

& HURTING

Dear Lonely: Your Saturday night date likes things the way theyare. He is conscious of his age, has invested in his daughter andperhaps is in love with his wife. He knows he can see you once ortwice a week with little risk to the status quo at home. What, himworry?

Instead of second-guessing this man's motives, ask yourself whyyou are putting your life on hold for a guy who is available lessthan eight hours a week. If Lover Boy were freshly divorced and freeto see you round the clock, would you still be entranced, or wouldyou be out on Saturday nights looking for another dangerous liaisonwith another married man?

Start being good to yourself. End the affair and seek true loveelsewhere.

Dear Diane: Last year, when I was a sophomore in high school, Ibecame friends with "Bill," and he walked me to my English classevery day. He was really nice and sweet, and we were only friends.I'm not interested in having a relationship with him.

This year he ignores me. If we are face to face, he smiles andsays "Hi" casually and sometimes chats briefly. He seems to bestrained with me.

I'm contemplating whether to talk to him, but I am tongue-tied.I don't know where to begin. I really like him as a friend, and he'sthe only guy I'm friends with. I'm very shy.

My friends say I should drop him. But Bill remains on my mind.

JUNIOR MISS

Dear Junior Miss: It's easier to pretend indifference, but youvalue Bill's friendship. Risk it and confront him.

Tell him you've noticed that he is less friendly than he used tobe, and ask him what's changed. If he clams up and doesn't respond,take your friends' advice and drop him. Don't try to read his mindor start telling yourself you must have done something wrong.Friendship is a two-way street.

If he explains, respond to his news. (He: "I have a steadygirlfriend now." You: "That's great, I'd like to meet her!") Onceyou get an answer, you can stop wondering and move on.

And you can give yourself a pat on the back for being assertive.Dealing with this problem head on will help you feel more secure inmixed company.

Dear Diane: The advice you gave "Mom on Edge," whose daughterwas having tantrums, couldn't have been better. I was once in hershoes.

My son went through three cribs because he kicked the bars outat 14 months. At 2, he put himself through a window after he wentinto a fit. He cried and screamed for his first three years.

I considered suicide because my life was a living hell.Relatives and friends couldn't stand the crying and stopped callingand visiting. We didn't dare go in public because we were stared at.

Doctors told me I was a jumpy first-time mom and that time wouldcure all.

When school started, I spent just as much time there as he did.As soon as he would get out of my sight, he would go bonkers.

Well, my son is now in the fifth grade. Thanks to alearning-disability teacher in his school who backed me up, he wastested and, yes, he has Attention Deficit Disorder withhyperactivity. He is on Ritalin and doing great.

We now have a healthy, happy son. He is a totally differentperson now, logical and loving. BEEN THERE

Send your questions to Diane Crowley, Box 3254, Chicago 60654.